Jedi thoughts
by NewDawnFox
Summary: How could he do this to me? to Hera? he didn't prepare me for this, it's too much. Ezra's in pain from Kanan's death, but is death forever? one shot.


Jedi Thoughts

 **An: I am not crying, I am not crying.**

 **An: I Don't own rebels because if I did Kanan wouldn't have died like that. I would have his end in a different way, but something I thought of late last night after running through the episodes and talks Kanan had with Ezra and there is one I think is missing that happened in the first trailer, so I am pretty sure we haven't seen the last of our jedi knight.**

 **Ezra's pov**

"Loth - rat, Loth - cat, Loth - wolf, run, pick a path and all is done" I thought as I kept pointing to the mountain range after mountain range, but nothing felt right and I didn't think it would feel right again, my mind was just that numb and confused that I didn't what to feel.

Since Kanan's death I have just felt lost, even more so when the wolves came and chased me away from the others, as if they didn't want me close to them when I really should have, especially Hera. I was sure that she needed me as much as I needed her, Zeb and Sabine while hurting were warriors they dealt with death in a different way then Hera and I did, but the wolves were having none of that. They needed me to do something, go somewhere, maybe to do what Kanan was supposed to do.

"Why?" I asked myself for the hundredth time in a matter of hours since waking up in that field, the pain was too much.

Then something struck me about the conversations I had with Kanan before this latest mission, something that told me to have a little hope that he knew something was going to happen to him before we left to go and get Hera. The force told me he knew, somehow he knew that he was going to die and was giving me one last lesson to make sure I would be alright to survive without him.

But I wasn't alright, I am in pain.

Did he set something up for me?for himself? would he return in some form?

I couldn't breathe, I just couldn't take it, I dropped down next to this rock hours ago and didn't move, not because I was lost, well not only because I was lost, but because physically and mentally I was dead inside. my mind and body just don't feel like they did, something is very wrong, and without Kanan or another force user to help me I just didn't know what to do about it.

 _Ezra_

"Kanan?" I call.

I heard him, I think or maybe it was in my mind, but something else came to my mind now. A conversation that I had with him in the early months after rescuing him from the empire. In those days I slept in the same room as he did, after Zeb's snores filled the room, I went in there. My nightmares were bad, but so were his, I could feel his pain and I as sure he could feel mine.

"So you are back again Ezra?" Kanan asked as he found me curled into him, dry tears on my face.

I didn't answer that question, but I did ask one of my own "Kanan how did I find you? I knew you were alive, but that was it until I got closer. I could feel the pain you were in as if it was my own. I remember the training we did tracing each other and the others of the crew, but this was different, it was more".

"That feeling you are describing is a force bond and a lot of jedi of old had them. I knew we were developing one from that first day you decided to become my padawan, but I didn't realize that it was becoming so strong, it is definitely stronger than my own with my own master" Kanan replied wrapping his arms around me.

"Our force bond, what is that?" I remember asking, as my shivering form was being comforted by his much larger strong one.

He felt so strong that night, I knew that he was suffering more than me after what he went through, but he knew he had to be strong for me. I was only fifteen at the time and barely knew anything about the force, so learning about something that could help me in the future so something I needed, wanted and I think Kanan wanted it too.

"A force bond or some called it a jedi kinship. It's a link where we can communicate feelings, thoughts and images. It allows us to better work together in battle and track each other. That is how you found me, how you can always find me no matter what happens" Kanan said running his hand down my back calming me, soothing me.

"And what would happen if it was to break?" I asked shivering again, now that I knew about the bond I didn't want it to ever break and would do everything to make sure the it didn't.

"A bond such as the one we have isn't something easily broken. Most of the time, I have heard, that it is not a choice, the feelings would have to change as in one of us would become a dark side user or one of us would have to die, but even then no matter what happens to us in the future our bond wouldn't go away, it would..." Kanan's voice died away in my memory.

"Become an empty space, a wound" I thought as my tired mind made the connection.

That was what was wrong, my bond with Kanan was gone, but not at the same time. I felt empty, the space where the bond was a ghost of what it was, what I relied on for almost four years I wasn't even eighteen yet, not that mattered anymore, my bond to Kanan did. A bond that felt now like a fine thread, silvery hard to catch like a fish that I used to catch with him. His physical body might be gone, but something still remained.

With that thought I fell asleep, too tired after everything that had happened today to even keep my eyes open, hoping in a way that when I opened them again I would find that this was some kind of nightmare or vision and we hadn't gone on the mission yet at all, then I could stop Kanan from doing what ever lead to his death or take that place and let him have his happy ending with Hera and I wouldn't mind one bit.

But I woke up to find I was with the wolves again, which hurt, another reminder of what had happened today wasn't a vision or a nightmare it was real. This time instead of just the three wolves that I had seen there was now a gigantic wolf. It dwarfed the others with ice blue eyes and black sclera giving it a powerful look, it was like I was a lock and he was giving me the key to open the door. It sensed my fear, my pain, and I realized that is why the other wolves chased me, I needed this.

We talked about all of it, in a way this wolf was giving me what Kanan would have if he was here. Tears started to fall, and I yelled out about how lost I felt, then I feel a soft nose touch my shivering form and again I felt Kanan with me again, supporting me, letting me know it was okay to feel like this. I look up and the gigantic wolf is touching me, making soft noises to tell me to let it out, that I wasn't alone.

"Who are you?" I ask, this wolf besides it's size, it was not normal.

"I am Dume" answered the wolf.

"That was my master's name" I replied, feeling pain as I said kanan's name in the past tense.

This was a wound I was ready to open yet. It was like loosing my parents all over again, except that with my parents even though I didn't know they were dead for years I kind of knew they weren't coming back and so when I got the information that they were dead, it hurt, but I could move on and Kanan was there with me through it all. Now, this time it happened in front of me and Kanan didn't prepare me for what I would feel, or how I would deal with it after he was gone. If truth be told I was hoping to go before he did, but he had said that it seemed to be a jedi tradition that the master would go before the padawan.

That didn't mean that it should have happened this time or any times that follow this. If I survived the next few days, scratch that if I survived the next few years I might track down a padawan of my own if only to make sure that Kanan's lessons were past on to the next generation of jedi, but as for myself I didn't think I would be part of the rebellion much longer. I could feel it, the end was coming, I just wished that Kanan was here with me to see it.

 _I can always see_

"Kanan?" I thought again, and realized he did see, his sight was given back to him just for a moment and he could see Hera and I once more before he left, a gift, to him for all he has done, and a gift for Hera and I to see him healed and happy to give his life in saving our lives, protecting what was most important to him.

Just then the white wolf behind me nudged my back and then laid a tablet at my feet. It had pictures on it, pictures that I couldn't understand, but I had a feeling the wolves did know where I would find out what it meant. I could tell the wolf was thinking over whether it should tell me something, but I needed it to tell me, I needed something to hold on to right now, a purpose.

"Jedi temple, danger" said the gigantic wolf

"What do you want me to do?" I asked

"Fix the past to save the future" the wolf answered, giving me another Kanan feeling.

Then I knew no more, waking up I calling out for Kanan again. The rock I had fallen asleep against was still warm, almost too warm. I looked down and the tablet was in front of me, the bright images showing a message that I wish Kanan was still here to read. I needed to get this to the others, they needed a purpose just as much as I did, well maybe not quite as much, but it would be a start to moving on.

Some time later I made it back to the others, I could see that something had happened, they all felt a little different, even Hera, but they were further on than I was with the healing process and they didn't have what I was going through in my head. This was all good because that would be important in the days to come if they were to survive it at all. I knew some how my time was short, but I would make sure that they would survive if I didn't.

With that thought I realized I would see Kanan again, my parents too, I could meet Kanan's master and we could talk about what he was like both when he was my age and later. We could be a jedi family, me, my master Kanan and my grand master Depa. Then my bond flared for a moment, I guess Kanan was telling me not to follow too soon, but I knew that was one promise that I was unlikely to keep.

I turned from the crew and with my hand out stretched I called out to the wolves, only to be surprised when four of them turn up. While I talked to the white leader, my eyes drifted to the brown one standing in front of Hera. It's green blue eyes looked so sad, and it seemed to be trying to get her to understand something. What I didn't know right now, but I was sure one day I would.

Then I heard it.

 _Hera_

"Kanan?" I thought, turning my head to see if I could see his ghost or something of him watching us, but he wasn't here.

Then again the voice came, but it was my name _Ezra_ was spoken by the ghost voice of Kanan.

It was him, he was here waiting for us to hear him, well at least Hera and I to hear him, but Hera could not and would not hear him, I did. Then the bond hummed and the fine thread became a little stronger and as the voices between the ghost Kanan and I became stronger the feelings, the physical and the mental bond was back.

"Kanan?" I thought asked, only to have the brown wolf turn it's head towards me.

Then I could really feel it, Kanan's force signature and everything that made Kanan...Kanan...it hit me all at once. I was right when I felt that he was still here, but I was looking in the wrong place, I didn't think of the fact that he could be one of the loth - wolves that helped us. What did that mean for the future? was that going to happen to me? in a way I didn't might if it did.

I could feel my body starting to tremble and then suddenly I was surrounded by the four wolves. They were making soft soothing noises as if they were sorry for taking Kanan away from me or something like that I was sure. I could hear the Hera and the others trying to get in to help me, but the wolves were having none of that, they were here to help me and only me.

"Ezra" said the brown wolf.

That voice was all it took, I was soon wrapping my arms around it's neck. My tears wetting it's coat, and it's soft voice ringing in my ears, but it wasn't helping, I knew nothing would for a while. The wolf wrapped a leg around my form in a wolf version of a hug, and the feeling got stronger again and again, the wolf was doing what no other could.

"Kanan" I answered, and the hug deepened until it wasn't only physical, but mental as well.

"I am here, I will always be here, I have just changed form" he told me.

"Why, did you leave me?" I asked clutching him closer.

"One day you will know, but for now you have things to do and a team to lead. You have to be the jedi knight now, you are no longer a padawan"he said pulling back as far as I would let him.

"How am I to do this without you?" I said.

"Just know the force will be with you always Ezra" Kanan - wolf said, not answering my question.

But that to is an answer. I knew that what ever was coming we would face it together as a family, even if one was a wolf and maybe one day I would be too. This didn't matter I would take it one day at a time. The darkness in all it's forms could try to get to me and maybe I would be tempted to use it again, but for now like my master before me.

"I am Jedi"

 **An: I don't know if this is the way they will go with this, but by rouge one both jedi are gone and this way they are alive in a way. also the talk that is missing is the one where Kanan says to Ezra that we were meant to be jedi, to be here when lothal needs us the most. we are the balance Ezra. maybe these have been on earlier in the season but I don't think so.**

 **An: this is only one possible theory, you may have others**


End file.
